Going to therapy?!?!?!

I am going to therapy Thursday and I don't know how it is going to go , I am so nervous to see how her reaction is going to be with seeing me again after all this time!!! I don't know what to do with myself! I can't wait to update her on all that has happened since the last time I had seen her! My dad passed away and then I got a boyfriend,as I was dating my said boyfriend I was losing weight and then we broke up because I thought I was pregnant so in able to not get hurt bad, I broke up with him first, but in the end I ended up getting hurt more worst because I figured we were soulmates and I can't live without him and while we were dating I ordered him a beanie and a necklace that mentioned something about soulmates and I turned into a downward spiral and started to think about self harm and after I got over that I started eating my feelings. I don't know what to tell her to help my situation! I can't go to sleep and wake up skinny overnight! I wish it were that easy but it's not!!!

Tired and have a headache 😣😴💤😣! I feel like I'm not going to make it! I might die 💀!

I haven't been feeling very well this week so I think I am going to die soon. I'm afraid to tell my mom. I don't know what her reaction is going to be so I don't say anything. I don't want to scare her because she has already lost my dad. I just feel so bad 😭. If I die, she will be forced to live with my sister and be a live in babysitter and I won't stand for that!!! That's not fair to Mom 😒 it's ridiculous!!! I don't want to die, I don't want to keep having headaches and feeling tired. I want to feel healthy and energetic! I want to be skinny!

Annoyed

My mother is back to her old habit AGAIN,HOARDING!!! And I just can't seem to have her break this old habit, it scares me and annoys me at the same time, I don't know how to shake her out of it! The last person to shake her out of it was my Dad (may he rest in peace) and I don't think I am strong minded like him to do it! Lord help me not to go crazy with being annoyed with my mother about her Hoarding and bless me with the wisdom to understand why she feels the need to hoard. In your mighty NAME 😇 🙌 🙏! AND being a MEAN PERSON I never thought that she would be like this to ME!!! I'm her oldest daughter, I didn't get married the first chance I had to a guy I barely knew from Facebook! I'm looking for my man of God😇 🙌!!! Unlike my sister, she just seen an opportunity to get out of the house and took it... But why punish me for my sisters choice? That's why I'm ANNOYED!!!

So mad!!!

Ok, so I was browsing through Facebook and I happen to come across my "cousins" picture of her and her baby son and I simply commented that he looked like his father if I had seen his father's hair, well she comes back at me with a snarky comment about look who's talking" and I didn't mean anything rude by my comment but, then the next thing I know is her mom is chiming in being really rude and mean to me threatening me, telling me that no wonder why my Ex Juan's family wants to kick my ass, and numerous other things. Well my "cousin" Tianna called me and told me that her mom is no longer welcome at her house. Well she had been lying to her side of the family the entire time about Tianna and her husband claiming that they didn't have many groceries in the house or they didn't have electricity which from my understanding, they did and her husband would buy food and eat food bring it home and eat it in front of the kids. I don't believe Z is that type of a father who would do that to his kids. But I know my cousin Tianna I love her and I forgive her for what she said to me on Facebook but I seen pictures in Instagram of her hanging out with her mom when she claims she doesn't want anything to do with her. She is lying to me!!! I can't believe it!!! My mom warned me about her, she is just like her mom! Lying, coniving, and deceitful. I am just surprised.

Restraining order?!?!???

I get that I don't know how to let go easy but, I will admit that it's hard for me to simply let Juan go!!! You don't stop loving someone who is supposed to be your soulmate!!! We were so connected when we were dating and then I text him from a different number and tell him who I am, and he threatens me with a restraining order!?!?!?! WTF!!! I didn't even do anything remotely harmful to him and he is threatening me with a restraining order??? What... the... Fuck...??? It's not like I am trying to physically harm him, I am just texting him!!! That is my MAIN PROBLEM, I CAN'T LET GO!!!! Lord help me to get betrer at that!? I just hope and pray that God brings us back together in the future 🙏 🙌!!! But, a fucking restraing order???! Seriously??? I can forgive but I won't forget about what he is doing to me in this time of my life!!!

I am just so sick of being hurt and alone!

I am so sick and tired of being all alone, I get a new boyfriend and I find a way to mess it up for myself!!! I don't understand it!!! I was finally happy with Juan and I let him slip through my fingers all because I thought I was pregnant which I was not! I was late for my period due to stress because of my dad's memorial dinner for his death, damn I wish Juan would have came to my aunt's house that day so we could have talked about the pregnancy situation and tried to make sense of the situation and get clarification. Instead of him crying to his family and not trying to talk it out with me. It just breaks my heart that he would rather cry to his parents and LITTLE SISTERS about OUR relationship rather than talk it out with me and try to resolve the matter with me,not let his sisters get it in his head that I am only trying to trap him in the relationship, I am fine with just being his friend, I don't need to be his baby mama! I'm not that type of person! His family has got me all wrong. I don't need to be his girlfriend or wife, I am content with just being his friend,if need be. I am fine with that! I can live with that! We may not have been "soulmates" and I can learn to live with that, God has someone special in store for me someday! I just know it and I will be patiently waiting for him to be revealed to me!!!

Wake me up when September ends

The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends

I guess I blew it!!!

I told him I was pregnant and he freaked out on me and told me to get rid of it or he would break up with me,well as a defense mechanism I broke up with him first, ( not one of my smartest ideas) and now I am regretting it!!! I just miss him so much, I feel so lost without him!!! I've got to be out of my mind, to think it's going to work this time!!! And it kills me to know how much I really love you, so much I want to be with you!!! I gotta be out my mind, to think it's gonna work this time, but the other half still believes. And it kills me to know how much I really love you... So much, I want to be with you!!! I can't stand it!!! He was my everything!!! He made me want to be a better person!!! And now that is over because of my pride and fear of being hurt first!!!!

It's over!?!?!?

I think it's over between us and I have a big regret over it. I never thought it would happen but, it did. We were so good,perfect,even happy together and I ruined it!!! I told him I was pregnant with his child and he told me I had to get an abortion!!! This is his child too!!! I didn't climb on top of myself and get myself pregnant!!! It takes two to tango!!! We both knew the consequences of what we were doing when we did it... He knew that having sex with me had a chance of me getting pregnant. I am only human!!! So we decided to call it quits this morning. I guess I woke up from this dream...

Sent from Heaven

I'm sitting here writing, just waiting for the love of my life, my destiny, to reply back to me!!! I have just told him a big secret that has been haunting me for years and he is so understanding and sweet about it!!! I don't know what I did to deserve or be blessed with that man!!! I am so lucky to have him in my life!!! ❤️ I have been in love with him since I was 9 1/2 years old and that love has not burned out since!!! I am so glad that we can take things slow and just be friends and enjoy each others company and joke around like we are buddies and just enjoy our time together. I love it!!! He just completes me!!! We have been dating for over a month now and I couldn't be happier!!! I love having sex with him! He knows how to get the right spot and make me orgasm multiple times!!! I have orgasmed multiple times since we have started having sex and I don't want to stop!!! Each time we have sex, I cum!!! MULTIPLE TIMES!!! I LOVE IT 💜 ❣️

I'm just tired

I'm just tired of my sister telling my mom and I that we are going to be babysitting the kids next weekend without even asking if it's alright if she even drops the kids off next weekend not even asking if we have plans that weekend because, WE DO!!! First,we have my aunt's birthday party Saturday night and then we have my boyfriend's birthday breakfast the Sunday morning because I'm totally infatuated with him, I have been addicted to him since I was 9 1/2 years old and have been stalking him ever since. But back to my point, my sister has no courtesy for our lives. She thinks we have no lives of our own but considering I have a boyfriend now I won't have time to deal with her and her husbands families shit anymore... I have my own stuff to deal with and I couldn't be any more happier... However my mom is a big pushover and doesn't kn no to say no to my LITTLE SISTER!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!   If I were to have some kids my mom would have no problem telling me no that she couldn't watch my kids and she would say shit to my face but, no she is afraid of my little sister!!! I would tell my sister to fuck off and find another family member to babysit. I'm no pushover!!! I love my sister but the kids drive me nuts!!!

I'm just so tired...

I am so tired of being in Hollister. I just want to be at home in my bed 😔! I'm so upset right now and I can't do anything about it! I just want to scream!!! I can't because I am stuck here with my sister and her family. And to top it off, it's RAINING!!! My sister has the air conditioner on in the room because she claims that it gets stuffy in there. No, your kids get stuffy noses because you have the air conditioner on ALL YEAR LONG!!! SERIOUSLY! I love my sister but she just gets on my nerves sometimes... And I am tired of it!!! And to top it off, I want to go to bed early tonight so we can get home early enough for me to not lose my shit!!!